When Shit Gets Real

So I have a slight fear of commitment.

Fear of commitment

It doesn’t come out often. I’m very good at making small decisions like in buying clothes or picking restaurants, but when it comes to things like signing a commitment to attend a school I can’t afford on my own in a country I’ve never been to for a degree I may never use, I get a bit anxious.

Nervous laughing

The honeymoon period of applying to and getting accepted to schools came to an abrupt halt as my cursor hovered over the button to accept my university’s offer.

Shit just got real

This is it don't get scared now

Except scared is exactly what I became. Suddenly, I wasn’t sure of anything.

I am 0% sure of what I'm going to do

tumblr_n3fac8ZEeQ1r3z3gbo1_500

I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going

I grew painfully aware of all the consequences I overlooked, all the insecurities I ignored, and all the ways I could fail in epic proportions. My bliss went up in a puff of smoke.

Realizations are the worst

Rather than a strong, independent woman taking charge of her own life, I felt like a dog walking around in human clothes barking, “Hur hur hur. Look at me, I’m a grad student. Hur hur.”

Dog on the computer

Or worse, that my fairy tale year was really just a massive joke that I was the butt of.

Weird Cinderella

When people asked me what I was going to study and why, I never knew what to say.

I don't know how to answer that question

I don't have a good answer

Sure, I have tons of reasons, and they’re valid. I have an interest in becoming an academic librarian, which typically requires a specialty degree (history for me), but since I’m not married to the idea of librarianship and would like to experiment in other history-related professions, it makes sense to get my history degree before my library degree. However, that’s really just what I say to justify my actions. I honestly just want to study history and travel – it barely has anything to do with my career – so I live in fear of someone calling me out on my shit.

That is bullshit

Since I’m not going into it with a specific career in mind (hell, I don’t even have a specific thesis topic yet), I feel like I’ve already set myself up for failure.

Horrible decision really

I've made a huge mistake

I still don’t really know what I want to be when I grow up. What if I get a Master’s degree and it doesn’t get me a better job? What if I end up exactly where I began, only with more debt?

Crying over useless master's degree

Or what if I get my degree only to get a job that wants me to have a different degree?

I might not have been right

I also have the hopes and dreams of my friends and family riding on my shoulders. My parents especially are so proud that I’m doing something they never did and am taking my life into my own hands. But what if I fail?

I don't want to get peoples expectations up and then disappoint them

Lower your expectations

What if my thesis isn’t good enough? That I pale in comparison to everyone around me and end up spending my once-in-a-lifetime opportunity as an international laughing stock?

I'm afraid of not being good enough

And I’ll do it all to satisfy my own whimsy.

Help, I'm being spontaneous

Who am I to do that?

It's madness

What are my alternative options, though? My safe plan of working my way up through some small public library?

Life's full of tough choices

People say life is full of choices but no one mentions fear

That’s when I snap myself out of it.

Pull yourself together

What is my sense of self, confidence, and happiness¬†worth? Priceless, right? Even though I’m not doing this for the “normal” reasons as part of a well thought out career and life plan, I’m still going for good reasons. Doing something I love is a good reason. Is it so bad to do something just because it makes me happy?

Don't let your dreams be dreams

My life is mine, and a life of safety and stability comes with the price of boredom and predictability. I’ve been to that side, and I was miserable beyond words. Now I pay for my thrills with unpredictability, which scares the snot out of me, but I’ll gladly pay the price.

It isn't going to be easy

If you can dream it, you can do it

Besides,

The beastie boys fought for my right to party

So the better question is, who am I to deny myself such an adventure?

Just do it

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s